Today, Severin Films proudly drags its analog-addled posterior into the 21st century. You see, no one had ever bothered to tell us that many of today’s film fans prefer to do their shopping in a land we’ve been informed is commonly referred to as “Cyberspace.” Well, the message finally arrived (via carrier pigeon), and today we are proud to announce the opening of our brand spanking new online Severin Store! The online Severin Store is a magical, mystical two-dimensional land, where discriminating cineastes are encouraged to roam free and peruse the acres of Severin-related shoppables. It’s a land not entirely without borders; every Severin title from our glorious almost five-year history is only available for purchase by customers within the United States (I’m not sure why it’s U.S. only — I’m just the messenger). What’s available to everyone throughout the universe? How about one-of-a-kind exclusive posters (some signed), T-shirts and other promotional items? And how about, most monumentally, the Birdemic merchandise you’ve been peckish for? Available now for the first time, Severin hereby encourages those of you lusting for more Birdemic in your lives to purchase your fair share of Birdemic coat hangers, T-shirts, posters, and heaven knows what else! Because Severin loves you, totally, completely, unabashedly, and without qualification, we will be offering special discounts, holiday sales, and unfathomable promotions that lie beyond the comprehension of the regular retail world. Is it Jess Franco’s birthday? Why not celebrate it with some discounted Franco masterworks such as Bloody Moon and Macumba Sexual! 43rd anniversary of the Hell’s Angels’ display at Altamont? Ring it in with style with a slashed-price disc of Stone, the seminal biker pic of its age! Divorce just became final? Send us proof and we’ll offer you a reduced rate on our “Back in Action” gift pack, which includes Felicity, Vanessa, Laure, Art of Love, Perfume of Yvonne, both of Black Emanuelle’s boxes, Joy, Joy & Joan, and The Sinful Dwarf! Best of all, because we have offices in nine different time zones, the online Severin Store never closes, so come on in, 24 hours a day, and we’ll get you your ill-gotten celluloid gains before you can say “Psychomania!” If you have any questions or comments regarding our webstore please contact firstname.lastname@example.org.